A handful of months back, I asked my husband to help me with one of my entries for Gays in the Life. I had the crazy idea to write a blog entry where we shared our pet peeves, and talked openly about the things that secretly drive us crazy when it comes to one another. He let out an incredulous laugh, and then proceeded to ask “is that a good idea?” I believed deep down that it was a good idea, but perhaps my inner artist was feeling a little too hungry. Writing a blog entry like this with my husband could offer a fun, real, and honest peek into our marriage and everyday life, but I wondered if my ambitious spirit was approaching an edge that we – because I’d have to consider his feelings, along with mine – weren’t quite ready to dance upon. Would I be taking a bite out of something we couldn’t quite chew? Issues we couldn’t quite swallow?
Almost all of my friends were in and out of relationships before I met my husband. Having a front row seat to every argument, scolding, and various other quibbles helped me realized that, depending on the couple, the smallest annoyance could cause a relationship to crumble, crash, and burn. Remembering those couples and scrolling through memories of their successful, or failed, relationships ignited my current thoughts on whether or not our relationship – our fresh marriage – could survive knowing each other’s hidden pet peeves. Obviously I would say my marriage could survive, but we have to keep a realistic view in regards to our relationships with ourselves – inside the marriage – and as one unit; because every moment isn’t peaches and cream. At this point, we know what sets each other off, but these triggers were discovered as our relationship developed over the years.
Knowing if, and when, the truth is too much, is another factor that should be considered. Initially when I was playing with the idea of doing this joint piece with my husband, the spirit was light and fun, with no thoughts of potential darkness in mind. Couples can be one hundred percent open, and still have things they keep to themselves. S’s questioning whether or not the unborn blog entry was a good idea bred life to this notion, and invited a small amount of darkness and negativity into my well-intended burst of creativity. Surely we, of all couples, could survive knowing what makes the other tick like a time-bomb, right? The answer to that question would depend on what each trigger was, and the only way to obtain the answer, is to actually move forward with my plan – for the joint blog entry – and discuss them. It’s a devilishly hilarious thing, and the answer remains unknown.
Gays in the Life 
Playing with fire is a cautionary game. You have to be willing to take the heat without getting burned. And likewise, your husband has to be willing to play. It doesn’t sound like he is game. Projection is a powerful and deceptive weapon.
Yes! One of these days we will cross that bridge. I really want to write that post, and I do think it won’t bother our relationship. Thanks for reading 🙂
I’m going to paraphrase Henry David Thoreau:
Rather than love, than wealth, than fame, or faith, or fairness; Give me Truth.
After hearing countless stories of failed relationships, the thing I am most cautious of are the words that go unsaid. Silence is the cold crack where resentment goes to fester. I package everything I have to say with every bit of love I have, but I say it. I’m firm when the situation warrants it, and I honestly offer, then hold back what I have to say when my wife feels like it wouldn’t be constructive; but she knows that I had something to say that I held back, reminding her that I put her first. If there is a pet peeve that is unspoken, no one gets put first. One person is frustrated, and the other goes unsuspecting until they’re shot without knowing anything was building.
I also encourage my wife to bring things to my attention that get under her skin. We have rules and always strive to take more care, but no one suffers in silence until they feel alone. It might just be the hardest thing, because you have to be tough, honest, and willing to change. But being in a relationship with someone like that will inspire the hell out of you. It inspires me everyday.
So true, and well said. I believe in everything you’ve just shared. I’m going to push him over that edge one of these days. I feel like we are deep enough in our relationship that we could both become even stronger knowing pet peeves. I’m a firm believer in communication, so these peeves won’t stay hidden much longer. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! Cheers,
There’s an old proverb my late grandmother used to share with me: The road to hell is often paved with good intentions. When it comes to dealing with emotions, this is often true. I think its good that you didn’t follow through on your joint project at this time. Much love and naked hugs, buddy! 🙂
I agree with the comments above. Glad you didn’t choose that battle. Convos like that usually always end up being a can of worms despite how good our intentions are.