What’s the Tarot Say?

A Cinderella reading for real! What do the cards have in store?

1.Past. The Nine of Swords. This card represents dark visions or a period of depression. Only now do I feel like I’m off the roller coaster. At least for a moment. I was fighting to breathe before.

2.Present. The Six of Pentacles. Growth, prosperity, generosity. S and I are both on a roll in career and personal life right now. This current moment in time is a humble reminder to keep working hard and not take advantage of any opportunities that come our way.

3.Future. The Four of Pentacles. Control, possession. This is fabulous news for the home and bank account. Be mindful, however, of becoming too controlling or possessive. Wealth is but a concept, so don’t let material foolishness drain your soul. Noted.


Weekly Audit 2: What Do You Love Most About Yourself?

This week’s audit question is… “What do you love most about yourself?” Let’s see.

Something I find most interesting in society are the amount of stories there are to be told. My story is what I love, as it’s produced countless gems that have morphed me into the individual l am today.

The writing’s on my wall are what keep me driven and what give me the capacity to learn from any hiccups life may conjure. Through all of the tough times I’ve experienced in life, I’ve learned to welcome failure.

You see, with each mistake comes a lesson learned; another gem.

I’ve had plenty a lesson in my thirty-one years in the land of the living. Those lessons, and the evolution that comes along with them, are what keep me on track.


Now it’s your turn! Answer the question with your partner or friends, and share your responses in the comments. Off you go!

Weekend’s End

The weekend never truly feels long enough. Even more so when it’s the weekend we lose an hour of our days due to daylight savings time! Whether your weekends have been filled with chaos, great surges of productivity, or long, glorious hours on the couch in your favorite pajamas… we hope it’s been a good one!

(And, we don’t wish chaos upon anyone, but you know how it is… sometimes you just can’t catch any chill!)

Sunday wine 1

(Wine pictured: Oliver Winery’s Creekbend Vineyard – Chambourcin Rose & Traminette. Pure deliciousness.)

Hopefully you’re relaxed and calm as you enter the work week. S and I will be enjoying some of this lovely, low(er)-carb wine from Indiana favorite Oliver Winery. We always support local if we can, and we encourage you to do the same 🙂

(throws peace sign)

Weekly Audit 1: What’re the Best Qualities You Bring to a Relationship?

The time has come to look in the mirror. What is it that makes you you? No relationship is the same, but there’s one thing I know to be true: That in order to have a successful relationship, you must first know yourself. The beautiful part about people and the relationships we experience, is that we’re constantly evolving; flourishing as individuals and elevating our relationships.

There’s probably not one person that has entered a relationship completely knowing themselves. And if they have? I’d dare to ask how many relationships they’d been in previously or what they learned from their last relationship. The point is that part of our evolution as couples is learning as we go; learning from mistakes and applying the changes as we work through it together.

Welcome to your first weekly audit with Gays in the Life! Now it’s time to focus on you for a second as I give you your first assignment. Here goes…

  • I’d like you to sit down with your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend, and discuss the following topic: What are the best qualities you have to bring to a relationship?

If you happen to be single at the moment, feel free to gather some friends and discuss this amongst each other. I want us all to have fun with this. Please please please let me know how your first audit goes in the post comments or on the Facebook page. I’m always so delighted when I hear from you all.

Ready, go!

You didn’t think I was cutting out without sharing did you? Some of the best qualities I believe I have to offer in a relationship are:

Wisdom – I haven’t had as hard a life as most people in the world, but I’ve been through enough to be grateful for so much. My experience in life as a young, black, gay man has afforded me the ability to approach any bump in the relationship road with an open mind and clarity. I’ve had my fair share of questionable guys and have made terrible decisions in the past, but I’ve grown from each lesson. The ability to process issues and communicate clearly with S helps us thrive. S was not a communicator when we met, so I’m proud to say I’ve helped him morph in that way and I’ve learned much more about myself in the process.

Spice – I’m a spicy personality and there’s no getting around that. I present as a cool, zen queen that isn’t bothered by much. In relationships though, I tend to be the outspoken one and will keep you guessing. Bland has never been part of my brand, so don’t be surprised if one day my look suddenly changes, I want to go dancing, or you hear me schooling someone for something stupid they’ve just said. I love my couch and pajamas, but I love a good party and a bit of excitement too. Did I mention I’m contagious?

Strength – I stand firmly by those I love and think of myself as the foundation of the majority of my relationships. Whether it’s tough love, providing a sense of calm and support, or lifting you up when you’re down, people know they can count on me. In my marriage, I’m able to keep our foundation strong because I can go to my husband and check in; letting him know I’m there regardless of what. It’s the little things that have the biggest impact, people.

I hope you all enjoy your first assignment. Please feel free to share the assignments with friends and family, and let me know how it goes!

— J

Coming Next Week! Weekly Audits.

Hey there,

How often do you check in with your partner and yourself? When is the last time you both sat down and asked yourselves “are we happy?” A couple that’s cohesively existing together, under one roof and in a good place with their relationship would say they are happy.

Now don’t go looking for problems in every nook and cranny of your relationships! All I’m saying is that it’s important to talk about your relationship with the person you call your other half. Couples fear asking the hard questions because they’d have to be honest with themselves. It’s amazing how grown people freeze in the face truth.

“What makes you most happy about our relationship (or marriage)?”

“Are you okay? Honestly, how have you been?”

“What’s something we need to work on as a couple?”

These conversations don’t have to be hard at all. Put on some music to set the vibe, mix a couple cocktails, and chat about your relationship. This person is supposed to be your best friend, you know… And this should be fun! Think of it as free weekly therapy sessions.

If you’re a couple in a more turbulent relationship or going through a tough time, I suggest you face the issue(s) head on. Trying to dodge and avoid what needs to be faced will only cause your mental health harm. Get everything on the table, hash it out, and make a plan for improvement.

Starting next week, Gays in the Life will post weekly audits. These audits will consist of questions and thought provoking activities – to be done with your partners – that will inspire conversation about your relationships with one another.

Answering the questions together, listening and processing every word shared, will encourage openness. These audits only work if you’re honest and open with yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

I can’t wait to get this going!



Stanning for Black Panther

I’ve got to get this out my system. The Black Panther movie was so great. I don’t know how else to say it. This movie was the superhero movie I didn’t know I needed.

Marvel is a franchise that does very well for itself, but there’s one thing we have to admit… the storylines and faces of epic white men and women somehow merge into one blob of the same ol’ story.

Getting to see a movie of this magnitude with a society  and a hero made up of people who look like me was a pretty cool experience. Not only did Director Ryan Coogler manage to get so many strong, black messages on the big screen, but each and every character was fun to get to know and kept the audience interested.


As a viewer of color, I appreciated the timing of this movie. It’s already pretty tough to navigate life as a black, gay man, but doing it in Trump’s America is even more exhausting. The Black Panther was the motivation and push that I needed – a reminder to love myself, cherish my history and heritage, and to be the best version of myself.

Sure, it’s just another Marvel movie, but this is a huge deal! Never before has the black community had something like this. Representation in all avenues and facets of life is so important because it inspires future generations (of all colors and backgrounds).

Inspiration is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the glory of this cast and their performances. All this black excellence! Lupita Nyong’o, Angela Bassett, Chadwick Boseman, Danai Gurira, and so many more. So much female strength and empowerment throughout the movie. And the attention to detail! All of the tribes were designed and styled based on authentic African tribes.


Okay, so I’m stanning a little bit. Stanning is when you’re “being overzealous or an obsessive fan of a particular celebrity.” All jokes aside, yes this movie is amazing to me because it was based in a black society with a black hero.

Most of the black roles we see on the big screen play supporting roles of some type or there has to be some sad undertone. Not all black stories are rooted in pain, suffering, or slavery. While all of those stories are important and a major part of my history, we as a people have been waiting for stories that are brighter and share successes; our triumphs.

In the Black Panther movie we see tough, all female warriors, a thriving black society with crazy tech and scientists, and heritage and tradition challenged. As a black dude who just recently received his AncestryDNA results, this movie made me want to dig more into my heritage and also made me think about what tradition meant to me.

I appreciate this movie so much.

Black Panther nailed it.

Ok, I’m done.

Pizza for Two

S and I didn’t put much thought into Valentine’s Day this year. In the past, we’ve gone out and stayed in, so knowing which direction plans for this day can go each year is always a wildcard.

“Do you think our Valentine’s Day plans are boring?” He asks just nervous enough, but still hungry for my response. “Not really. I like our plans. We’ve both had so much going on at work, so a chill night in sounds perfect to me.” His tone is relaxed now. “I just haven’t really thought about it.” Nor had I.

The truth is we had talked about our plans for Valentine’s Day. A couple weeks back we decided that we’d have a quiet night in – cooking low-carb pizza and having some champagne. We try not to drink during the week, so the fact that this day happened to fall on a Wednesday made it a treat in itself.

We settled on a simple bacon and cheese pizza. The crust consisted of cream cheese, egg, mozzarella cheese, almond flour, and we topped it with a low-sugar pizza sauce. We typically do pepperoni and sausage pizza, but we forgot to put pepperoni on the grocery list. Whoops! Not that this should be considered creative at all, but we decided on bacon when we realized our mistake. There’s always bacon around here though.


Pizza 2


I tend to be a big cheeseball, so you could argue that I would expect a surge in romance on this day. Maybe it’s because we’ve been together for going on seven years, maybe it’s because we’re both thirty-one years old now, but this day is hardly considered romantic or important to us. I’ve written about this previously – check out that post here – but what about the other 364 days of the year?! If you’re going to be cute, warm and fuzzy, just surprise me with your heart.

We had some good pizza, crispy champagne, and each other… we’re full.

A New Kind of Date

Mother Nature gave us a bit of a scare over the weekend. Earlier in the week we’d planned to have a Starbucks date, where we’d both work on personal projects or career focused activities. Indianapolis did get rocked by a little weather, so our Saturday cafe productivity session got moved to Sunday.


We’ve been holding ourselves accountable, so far, in 2018. S and I have plans and feel that it’s time for the both of us to take control of our professional and creative futures. Making time for dates during the week can be challenging when you’re fighting the weight of the day’s work, so a weekend dose of productivity with each other felt like a great move for us.


The important thing here is finding a way to make time for each other and to support one another. We pinpointed a newer location on our side of town and stuck to our commitment. I got a ton of PR work done and S made some major moves on the career front. I’m hoping we can make this a regular thing.


The both of us are so motivated and energized about what’s next right now, and harvesting that continued support of your partner – of each other –  just puts us in overdrive.




Sure, dates are supposed to be sexy and romantic, but the idea of fueling each others’ professional and creative drive is kind of a turn on, right? Even if you’re single and only focusing on you at the moment… find your support system. Parents? Siblings? Your own circle of VIPs? Who is that person that will help you hold yourself accountable at the end of the day?


Think outside of the box and get that productive, quality time in 😉

Barbershop Talk

Going to the barbershop is probably one of the most ritualistic acts for a man. A man can give a woman a lot of crap for staying on top of her hair appointments and routine mani-pedis, but deep down, he enjoys these things just as much. As a gay man – and stereotypically speaking, yes – I like my hair to look good. Not only do I like my hair to look good, I prefer to get it cut in a black barbershop.

Ever since my brother and I were young boys, our father took us to get bi-weekly haircuts. 9 o’clock in the morning, every other Saturday, was our designated time and we’d only sit in only one barber’s chair. As I grew older and started to wrangle with my sexuality internally, the “barbershop” talk began to hit a little too close to home.

I was waiting to get my hair touched up over the weekend when one barber – not my barber – began to elaborate more on TV makeup and how he thought men shouldn’t wear makeup at all. Naturally, this snowballed into discussion about gay, black men and those of which who choose to openly wear full faces of makeup. “I don’t care if you’re gay, but I don’t need to know it.” One ignorant gentleman that sat in my barber’s chair even went as far to say gay men are “disrespecting their natural bodies.” What does that even mean?!

I sat quietly and fought the urge to jump in and come out in the middle of the shop. I wanted to say “What makes you think these brave souls care what you think?.. What gives you the right to dictate how we represent ourselves in the world?” Keep in mind the gentlemen spouting off this nonsense didn’t deserve any roses from anyone. I won’t stoop to their level, but I could say more about their appearances – how one didn’t appear the way I imagine a professional barber would, and how the ignorant patron looked as if… yeah, I won’t go there.

I’ll give a couple gentlemen in the shop some credit. They tried to explain how TV makeup works with the camera, but the conversation kept going back to sissy shit. “You should see the shit they get into on Empire! They’re wild on that show.” It’s funny because the gay character on the hit show is named Jamal. Jamal isn’t flamboyant and doesn’t wear a lot of makeup, but I appreciate the fact that the show lets his character express his sexuality and presents him as normal; as human.

In the end I stayed quiet because we as gay men – especially gay black men – argue too much about why we get to express ourselves the way we feel is right within our community and culture. I’m so over that argument and didn’t care to share any of my experiences with them in that moment.

Sure I could go to a more commercial haircut establishment – risking sitting in a chair that doesn’t know how to work with ethnic hair – but why should I have to do that? Nothing against those establishments, but I do value my culture and enjoy going to a black barbershop.

I realized this early, Saturday morning that that’s exactly what this barber and the ignorant patron wanted – for me and my fellow gay men to be commercial. I couldn’t be commercial if I tried. My spice comes out when it wants and it’s something I’ve had to learn to harness growing up in the black community.


I’ll never forget growing up and helping my cousin part and braid her dolls’ hair. I’d trot downstairs to show my mom and aunties my work, but had to get past the table filled with very loud, black dads that were busy slamming dominoes. “What’ve you got there, boy?!” My dad would shout where the whole house could hear. I’d simply hold the doll up to display the sharp and detail braids, styled and perfectly placed with my cousin’s approval. “Man, I couldn’t plait no hair like that! Keep up the good work and go show ya mama.” He’d then nudge my buzzed head and I’d hide a smile. Even at a young age, whether I knew I was gay then or not, I understood what the perception of a young boy doing great hair was – a gay boy in the making. My dad was a hard, Army veteran, but it was moments like this that made me view him as a superhero.

In closing – I’d like to share a note with the barber who felt it necessary to force his view upon me, the silent gay customer. You never know who is in your business or who is listening. You have to realize that you’re the face of the business in which you work and that comments like these should be kept to yourself if they’re not productive or being presented for an open discussion. Sure I could have jumped in and floored everyone, but I can only clean up so much ignorance at a time. On this particular morning, I was simply tired.

Keep in mind who and what you’re talking about the next time you speak, and realize they may have a platform where they can share their experience. Maybe you don’t care, and that’s fine, but here a few things I know and that you should as well about me:

  • I’m a black, gay man.
  • I’m married and in a stable relationship.
  • I take great care of my skin and I don’t mind sharing my regimen with you.
  • I’m just as much of a man – just as much as a black man – as you are, if not more.
  • And I’m also a customer service supervisor.

I’ll keep this story off Yelp though… (enter nail-painting emoji here)


Level With Me

Maybe it’s because I had a long day, but I’m not in the most positive of spirits. I get in these ruts where everything seems to stack and stack and stack up to catastrophic heights, all while floating through the day as if all is well. The stacks never fall.

Deep down I need a change. I know a large part of that is professionally speaking. I don’t like that work energy is so easily brought home. I care too much (most of the time) to fully disengage my brain from the 8am-8pm coverage windows I have to monitor.

I get this from my mother – I am most certain of this fact. We are doers, you see. Helping anyone who needs it and bending over backwards if need be. But what happens when we need a break? Does anyone notice? The answer to that question seems to be a blatant “no” at the moment.

My kitchen confronts me daily with dishes I’ve left undone from the previous night; sometimes two nights. Nothing major but enough to make my skin crawl with annoyance.

I love my dog, but there are times I wish I wasn’t so hands-on with him. He’s my shadow and comes to me for everything – even if S is doing absolutely nothing. It can be overwhelming at times. Just call me super mom.

I was taking my sister and nephew home tonight when I had a concealed panic attack behind the wheel. Driving is something I absolutely hate and I’m not really sure why. I’d just missed our exit and I was surrounded by assholes and semi-trucks.

I don’t think she noticed but I immediately went into a breathing exercise for relaxation and mindfulness. To distract myself, I had to focus on my breathing and veer away from questions about her day. We could catch up later. My only focus was getting the two of them home safely so I could scream in my car and turn the music WAY up.

I feel as though being nice is turning me into an asshole. Does that make sense? I reach a point of “no more” in multiple areas of my life and a shift happens almost too easily for me… and not for the better. I suppose my team could use a more strict environment, but I don’t have go full vicious on anyone.

(This is the part where I read you the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.)

I got home safe after battling the bright lights and over-sized trucks of the interstate. I could finally sit down, vent and release the weight of the day, and make sure my attitude wasn’t crashing into anyone’s world but mine.

Cleaning always helps me chill the fuck out. S has a holiday party tomorrow – spouses aren’t invited – so that’ll be a good chance to reel in my crazy. I also have a feeling that tomorrow’s morning workout will be a great one…

I’m going to sleep now. Goodnight, everyone.