Going to the barbershop is probably one of the most ritualistic acts for a man. A man can give a woman a lot of crap for staying on top of her hair appointments and routine mani-pedis, but deep down, he enjoys these things just as much. As a gay man – and stereotypically speaking, yes – I like my hair to look good. Not only do I like my hair to look good, I prefer to get it cut in a black barbershop.
Ever since my brother and I were young boys, our father took us to get bi-weekly haircuts. 9 o’clock in the morning, every other Saturday, was our designated time and we’d only sit in only one barber’s chair. As I grew older and started to wrangle with my sexuality internally, the “barbershop” talk began to hit a little too close to home.
I was waiting to get my hair touched up over the weekend when one barber – not my barber – began to elaborate more on TV makeup and how he thought men shouldn’t wear makeup at all. Naturally, this snowballed into discussion about gay, black men and those of which who choose to openly wear full faces of makeup. “I don’t care if you’re gay, but I don’t need to know it.” One ignorant gentleman that sat in my barber’s chair even went as far to say gay men are “disrespecting their natural bodies.” What does that even mean?!
I sat quietly and fought the urge to jump in and come out in the middle of the shop. I wanted to say “What makes you think these brave souls care what you think?.. What gives you the right to dictate how we represent ourselves in the world?” Keep in mind the gentlemen spouting off this nonsense didn’t deserve any roses from anyone. I won’t stoop to their level, but I could say more about their appearances – how one didn’t appear the way I imagine a professional barber would, and how the ignorant patron looked as if… yeah, I won’t go there.
I’ll give a couple gentlemen in the shop some credit. They tried to explain how TV makeup works with the camera, but the conversation kept going back to sissy shit. “You should see the shit they get into on Empire! They’re wild on that show.” It’s funny because the gay character on the hit show is named Jamal. Jamal isn’t flamboyant and doesn’t wear a lot of makeup, but I appreciate the fact that the show lets his character express his sexuality and presents him as normal; as human.
In the end I stayed quiet because we as gay men – especially gay black men – argue too much about why we get to express ourselves the way we feel is right within our community and culture. I’m so over that argument and didn’t care to share any of my experiences with them in that moment.
Sure I could go to a more commercial haircut establishment – risking sitting in a chair that doesn’t know how to work with ethnic hair – but why should I have to do that? Nothing against those establishments, but I do value my culture and enjoy going to a black barbershop.
I realized this early, Saturday morning that that’s exactly what this barber and the ignorant patron wanted – for me and my fellow gay men to be commercial. I couldn’t be commercial if I tried. My spice comes out when it wants and it’s something I’ve had to learn to harness growing up in the black community.
I’ll never forget growing up and helping my cousin part and braid her dolls’ hair. I’d trot downstairs to show my mom and aunties my work, but had to get past the table filled with very loud, black dads that were busy slamming dominoes. “What’ve you got there, boy?!” My dad would shout where the whole house could hear. I’d simply hold the doll up to display the sharp and detail braids, styled and perfectly placed with my cousin’s approval. “Man, I couldn’t plait no hair like that! Keep up the good work and go show ya mama.” He’d then nudge my buzzed head and I’d hide a smile. Even at a young age, whether I knew I was gay then or not, I understood what the perception of a young boy doing great hair was – a gay boy in the making. My dad was a hard, Army veteran, but it was moments like this that made me view him as a superhero.
In closing – I’d like to share a note with the barber who felt it necessary to force his view upon me, the silent gay customer. You never know who is in your business or who is listening. You have to realize that you’re the face of the business in which you work and that comments like these should be kept to yourself if they’re not productive or being presented for an open discussion. Sure I could have jumped in and floored everyone, but I can only clean up so much ignorance at a time. On this particular morning, I was simply tired.
Keep in mind who and what you’re talking about the next time you speak, and realize they may have a platform where they can share their experience. Maybe you don’t care, and that’s fine, but here a few things I know and that you should as well about me:
- I’m a black, gay man.
- I’m married and in a stable relationship.
- I take great care of my skin and I don’t mind sharing my regimen with you.
- I’m just as much of a man – just as much as a black man – as you are, if not more.
- And I’m also a customer service supervisor.
I’ll keep this story off Yelp though… (enter nail-painting emoji here)
I am stunned you can find a decent barber shop. Where I live I tried for years to find a simple barber, and gave up. One place I went to charged different prices depending on if they used clippers or shears. I gave up, and let my hubby keep cutting my hair. I tend to vote with my money, so I personally wouldn’t patronize a place that I felt was bigoted nor would I allow someone who harbored those feelings to cut my hair. I am paying for a service and part of that is respect for me the customer. I have rarely if ever let bigoted statements go past without a comment in return. That said I understand that the community barbershop can mean more to some people than it does to me. Your hair looks good in the picture. Be well, stay warm. Hugs
Thanks, Scottie! I was so tempted to speak up – part of me wishes I had – but goodness gracious. Maybe next time.
I definitely appreciate this article! I searched for this topic and came across this blog specifically because I’m sitting in my barbershop right now and my barber just made a statement about a faggot in Manhattan to three other men he was talking to. I don’t remember anything else he said but that, and I slowly raised my head and looked at him. Then I put my head back down. I know he wasn’t talking about me, but what he doesn’t know is that I’m gay and that I am offended by what he said. To his credit, though, I’ve never heard him say anything about gay people, good or bad. But I certainly feel some type of way about it. He knows I’m a religious person, and it doesn’t help that he is also my father’s barber. I don’t want him to know that I’m gay, but at the same time, remarks like that have no place in a place of business and can be interpreted as disrespect. I wish men would be more aware that they don’t always know who they’re talking to or about and that things they say, even in jest, can really hurt the feelings of others. I agree 100% with your remarks about barbers keeping strong opinions like the ones expressed to themselves in a business setting. I think that’s one level of professionalism black business has not yet reached. Very well written piece; much respect to you.