Tag: queer

Productivity Check

Jamal MillerLeave a comment

Something has shifted within the past couple years. I remember the days where I could sit down, zero in, and knock out any task, assignment, or project that needed to be completed. It’s been extremely tough, here lately, and I can’t put my finger on the “why” of it all. 

Back in high school, I was programmed to sit down, read, write, spit out a 10-15 page paper on whatever topic in advanced placement classes, memorize sheets of music, and I did it all with minimal effort and ease. Even working through college and getting my BA was a breeze on the schedule, task and to-do front, so what’s changed? 

Trying to do even a fraction of the things I just mentioned, today, as a thirty-three year old man, has been quite the battle. I’m currently in a job that doesn’t demand a ton of my time and I love it. I’m also studying to get my realtor license. Oh, and there’s the podcast, Thanks for Coming, which has been such a cool side project to throw into the mix. 

Needless to say, I’m busy, but I’m not that busy, right? As individuals, we are our harshest critic, and I fully believe this has been part of the problem in the motivation department; knowing inside I can be doing more. 

Distraction has been ruling my productivity, or lack thereof, and I’m not ashamed to admit that. Some of the distractions have been welcome, while others have been far from it, but that’s life! You have to push forward. 

Now that I’ve had time to get settled after moving into our new home, I’ve had time to try some things to better help me accomplish my  daily and weekly goals and lists. Some days I’m successful, while other days I’m not. Here are some things I’ve been trying out to hop back on the productivity wagon:

Create a schedule for yourself and stick to it. I’ve learned that I can plan, and plan, and plan some more, but all the planning isn’t worth it, if you aren’t doing your best to follow through. My favorite tool to use is Google Calendar. It gives you the ability to color code – which I love – and set reminders and notifications. 

There are plenty of other tools that serve the same purpose, but I’m a Google fangirl, and I’ve had the best organizing experience keeping it simple with Google. Create a calendar for work, the gym, whatever, but make sure you commit to the window you’ve set for productivity. 

If you’re scheduled to sit and write at 1 o’clock, sit down at 1 o’clock and do your best to write. Even if at the end of your scheduled productivity window you’ve created or written zip, at least you showed up to your appointment. Take baby steps. Looking at a to-do list can be intimidating, so it’s also very important to set attainable goals. 

Put the phone down. Whoever is texting can wait. Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook can wait. Technology has really killed our attention spans. I have days where I get settled into my work mode and mindset, only to have Instagram steal a good ten to fifteen minutes from my scheduled productivity window. This is not okay. That time adds up if you keep playing on your devices! You can get back to scrolling once you’ve accomplished the task at hand. Put the phone down, back away slowly, and get to work. 

Set attainable goals. It’s too easy to fill a calendar and to keep saying “yes,” but it’s of the utmost importance that you don’t set yourself up for failure. If you don’t have the time, don’t force it into existence. This will only cause more stress and frustration. Work is work, children are children, and life is going to life! Tend to the needs, and don’t punish yourself if you don’t get to the planned task. Attainability is key here. We can push ourselves to the brink, but at what cost? Be kind to yourself and do your best each day.

I hope these few pointers will help you and I look forward to hearing in the comments if you’ve tried any of them. I’m no master by any means of productivity, but I’m learning not to beat myself up about it. In the past, I’ve been super hard on myself because I’ve let a project sit and collect dust. Don’t do that. Remember to be kind to yourself and protect your mental health for productivity’s sake AND yours. 

*J

Simple Ways to Support Each Other Throughout the Workweek.

Jamal Miller2 Comments

At the top of each workweek, we have the best intentions to be organized, responsible, and productive human beings. We do our best to fend off piles of dirty dishes, dust bunnies, thoughts of skipping that workout, and the large wave of exhaustion that comes with working a full-time job. Here’s a snapshot of my week:

  • Work – 40+ hours 
  • Podcast/Blog tasks  – 3-5 hours
  • Realty school – 10+ hours 
  • Work out at least 3-4 days

If you’re anything like me – and you’re a crazy person – you enjoy being creative and thrive having multiple projects to work on. I love the feeling of being creative and putting out content I’m proud of, but come on, I know you can tell my posts have slowed down this past year.

It can be tough to manage passions and life schedules, especially if you throw kids or pets into the mix, so how do we thrive without driving ourselves crazy? Well, all we can  do is our best, and having a little help never hurts. 

If  you’re currently living with your partner or have roommates with similar schedules as you, it’s not a bad idea to sit down and figure out how you can help each other have the most successful week. If you’ve got the game mastered and slay life week to week, this post  probably isn’t for you, and as Queen Gia Gunn would say: “YAAAS, bitch, werk.” You did that. Here are some simple ways my husband and I plan to support each other throughout the workweek:

CHORE-LOADING. Maybe one of you is having a much busier week than the other, and the impending doom and feeling of giving up is tapping you on the shoulder. The person with the lighter load can easily take on a couple extra chores and errands. Not only does this relieve your partner of the added stress they put on themselves, it adds to the bond and promotes deeper connection and love. Who doesn’t want to feel like they’re being thought of and supported?! Taking care of the person you love and the household you share is sexy, and most of the time, doesn’t take much.

CHECK-INS. We talk about this all the time here on Gays in the Life. Ask your partner how they’re doing. Go beyond the typical work-bitch-session and get into how they’re doing and how their week is going. If one of you is having a down week, this is a great idea to help break the ice and  let the other know you’re here for them and that they have support. It’s amazing what this does. It’s very easy to get stuck in your head and go inward. On the brighter side of the check-in spectrum, ask how their personal project or goals are developing. It’s so nice to talk about passion projects or other interests. Keep things light and keep work at work. Connect!

ACTIVITY DATES. Schedule at least a couple workouts, walks, or quick home improvement projects to do as unit; a team. My husband and I go on evening walks on a nearby trail. Outside of walking on the trails of  Eagle Creek, we try to attend two workout classes together each week. Working out is proven to improve mental health and is a good way to bond with your partner and to have shared goals. Another fun and easy way to keep the pressure of the workweek and household responsibilities at a low level, is to work on quick  home improvement projects together. Take an evening to put some music on and organize that garage together. Pour some wine and finally hang up that artwork that’s been collecting dust over the months. Get crazy and reorganize your living space. Keeping environments clean, fresh, and feeling like it’s yours does wonders for the mood. 

Give these few tidbits a go, and please feel free to share your  experience in the comments. Find me @gaysinthelife on Instagram and Twitter to continue the conversation there.  

Have a good week! J,

My Tattoo Story

Jamal MillerLeave a comment

Tattoo story time! I realized I’ve never shared my ink all in one place, so here goes!

Tattoo #5: The Dark Mark. Slytherin here. Stay off my bad side 

tat 5

 

Tattoo #4: A portrait piece of a grizzly bear; my spirit animal. He represents strength, confidence, and bravery.

tat 4

 

 

Tattoo #3: The tribal Alaskan salmon. This one I got after I graduated from IU. It represents persistence, instinct, and determination. My closest friends know that story.

 

tat 3

 

 

Tattoo #2: a trumpet with lyrics from “bittersweet symphony;” my theme song. I played trumpet middle school through college, so that makes sense. I got this one on my 24th bday.

 

tat 2

 

 

Tattoo #1: I got this one with a friend summer of 2008 in Bloomington. I’m a Scorpio. A double Scorpio, actually. It was an easy first tat.

 

tat 1

 

I was born and raised in Anchorage, Alaska so I like my ink to reflect that. I love fun “just because” tats, but I prefer mine to have a direct connection to me. What to get next? Hmmm…

“Black Trans Woman Heckled, Nearly Arrested at Stonewall Inn”

Jamal MillerLeave a comment
stonewall

Privilege, especially white, cis-male privilege, within the LGBTQIA+ community is a topic that needs ALL of the attention. We’ve lost at least 11 of our trans sisters of color in 2019 so far. The fact that I even have to say “so far…” my heart hurts.  This kind of behavior at The Stonewall Inn is just beyond ignorant and disrespectful. Trans women of color are the reason you get to party at Stonewall – ON THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE UPRISING, mind you – while doing whatever for the gram and social media.  Some of us in the community need to do much better. MUCH, better.  Shout-out to The Read for reading all of you on their show and for alerting me of this story.

marsha and sylvia
(Marsha P. Johnson & Sylvia Rivera)

Welcome Home, Lil Nas X!

Jamal MillerLeave a comment

Lil Nas X surprised the world by coming out on the last day of Pride Month, and to that, I say “hell yeah!” 

Being completely transparent with all of you, readers, I had no idea who Lil Nas X was until about the second week of June. I’m not one to turn on the radio, EVER, so I tend to miss the Top 40 trends unless they’re being discussed on one of the many podcasts I enjoy. 

Old Town Road began to haunt my earbuds and speakers after I stumbled across a clip on my Instagram feed; probably some trade twerking to the song, I’m sure. From that moment on I’ve been listening to the track on repeat and have added it to my overall music rotation. Also – I finally got a chance to sit with his latest project, 7, and have been digging it more and more with each listen. 

Here are the tweets Nas X shared:

nasx tweet 1

nasx tweet 2

(X highlights Pride colors on the cover of his EP, 7.)

 

I connect with his first tweet so deeply. I vividly remember the night I decided to come out to my closest friends and family. I was away at my first semester of college in Indiana and they were four hours behind in Alaska; MySpace was the main social girl back then, Facebook was still blooming, so I wasn’t creating any epic posts back in 2005. 

The email I sent to my inner circle had a similar tone as Lil Nax X’s tweet: “Hey, this is me. We can be cool, or y’all can have a nice life without me.” I won’t get too much into comparing my coming out to Lil Nas X’s because this is his moment; and what a moment it is! You’ll hear more about my coming out story on a future episode of my podcast, Thanks for Coming. 

Nax X also encouraged us all to listen to the lyrics of the track, C7osure (You Like) closely:

“True say

I want and I need

To let go

Use my time to be free

It’s like it’s always what you like

It’s always what you like

Why it’s always what you like?

It’s always what you like, huh

Ain’t no more actin’, man that forecast say I should just let me grow

No more red light for me, baby, only green, I gotta go

Pack my past up in the back, oh, let my future take a hold

This is what I gotta do, can’t be regretting when I’m old

Brand new places I’ll choose and I’ll go, I know

Embracing this news I behold unfolding

I know, I know, I know it don’t feel like it’s time

But I look back at this moment, I’ll see that I’m fine

I know, I know, I know it don’t feel like it’s time

I set boundaries for myself, it’s time to cross the line

True say

I want and I need

To let go

Use my time to be free

It’s like it’s always what you like

It’s always what you like

Why it’s always what you like?

It’s always what you like, huh

Ain’t no more actin’, man that forecast say I should just let me grow

No more red light for me, baby, only green, I gotta go

Pack my past up in the back, oh, let my future take a hold

This is what I gotta do, can’t be regretting when I’m old”

Source: LyricFind

In the end, Lil Nas X was ready to live his truth, out and proud. Not only is he making waves on the country charts – after all that controversy and ignorance he faced – as a black man, but now he’s facing the hip-hop/rap part of the industry. We’ve seen queer artists break the mold in other areas of music, but hip-hop and rap historically have been tougher audiences for queer performers to capture. While toxic masculinity is definitely a thing, and we won’t dive into that today, there has been an outpouring of support and love shown by peers of X online. This makes me very happy.

One last note for all you readers as more comes out about Lil Nas X, queerness in hip-hop/rap, sexuality and representation:

Continue to love and support the artists and music you love. If somehow you’re reading this blog and don’t fully support LGBTQIA+ rights, I charge you to be open and move in a more positive direction. Now that the rapper has come out as gay doesn’t make the song any less of a hit, or him any less of a human being. 

Some of you have children, and I KNOW the kids absolutely go crazy for Old Town Road. Don’t let your ignorance steal that joy from your kids or yourselves! Let the damned song play, keep YOUR mind out of the gutter, and don’t form narratives that aren’t present because you may view the artist a little differently. 

Allies! Continue to share the love with Lil Nas X, support his art, and help people understand how big a deal this is. We are in a time where discussion on topics of race, inclusion, and equal human rights is of the utmost importance – especially for queer people of color. The work will never be done, so let’s continue to lift Nas X up on this new adventure. 

Thanks for stopping by everyone! I’m going to listen to “7” again 🙂

More on the Country removing “Old Town Road” from the Billboard charts.

 

Pride Started With A Riot.

Jamal MillerLeave a comment

Pride is a time of joy, celebration, and being unapologetic in how you exist in today’s world. While Pride events take place all year round, let us not forget how we came to be as out and proud queer individuals who can – for the most part – celebrate in our fiercest heels, tightest tanks, and deliciously worn leather during the entire month of June. Pride is a time of remembrance and reflection as much as it is a party.

“Pride started with a riot.” This quote has been haunting me on Instagram and Twitter. Okay, fine. It’s probably just the internet doing what it does best and marketing to its target audience, but I feel a way about it. I’m now 32 years old and have had plenty of time to reflect on my journey as a gay, black man as I exist in the queer community. I think about the day I figured out I was gay. I reflect on all my relationships and how they’ve matured or stayed in my past as I’ve grown into my queerness. I think about how I was in my early twenties when it came to navigating new queer relationships. I think about what my interracial, gay marriage means to me and the message we want to send as a couple to our communities.

Every year I look out and around at the LGBTQIA+ community members and think if they’ve taken a shot or twerked in the name of any epic queer leaders. People like Marsha P. Johnson,  Sylvia Rivera, Harvey Milk, Alexya Salvador, Laverne Cox, or those who were peacefully enjoying themselves at the Stonewall Inn when the riots broke out in Summer of 1969.

My intention is not to make a blanket statement and imply that we as a community don’t take moments to remember these powerful individuals. I’m just curious if we know our history and reflect on them in our Pride celebrations. As mentioned above: Pride is a time of remembrance and reflection as much as it is a party.

With all of this in mind, I want to encourage all members of the LGBTQIA+ to continue educating family, friends, and allies.

I’m particularly triggered when people accuse myself or others of throwing our sexuality in their faces. “What do you mean throwing my sexuality in your face? By sharing my experience and by existing?” I usually find myself mildly entertained and suppressing the urge to raise an eyebrow or two when I get comments on the blog as they relate to fragile male egos or ignorance in general.  Please remember to be safe and respectful of everyone’s boundaries on topics of queer culture and what Pride means, but don’t ever let anyone diminish your existence. Internet trolls are going to troll, but give those who may require some time a chance at understanding. We get to choose our circles and family, you know?

I’ll leave you with some items to reflect on as our respective Pride celebrations approach:

  • Our trans brothers and sisters need our love, protection and support. ESPECIALLY TRANS WOMEN OF COLOR. In 2019 already, there have been six fatal attacks on trans women of color.Say their names:  Dana Martin (31), Jazzaline Ware, Ashanti Carmon (27), Claire Legato (21), Muhlaysia Booker (23), Michele “Tamika” Washington (40), and now only hours ago, Chynal Lindsey (26).
  • Racism and a lack of body positivity exists within the queer community still. “No fats, no fems, no Asians… White only, please… BBC (big black c**k) this way!” is what you will find on plenty Grindr profiles. Don’t be one of those queens online that fetishize myself or other based on who they are as people; only wanting them for that. We aren’t objects. We are human beings and most of us have been battling identity issues our entire lives. Do better and call your “friends” out politely when you catch them slipping.
  • Respect the pronoun. Please try to use peoples’ preferred pronouns. We are past the excuse of “It’s too hard to change now after all these years!” Try. Be a decent human being and have some manners.

Stand firm in who you are. What does Pride mean to you and what has your journey on the rainbow road been like? Pride is supposed to be fun, so have your fun, queens! Just remember to take time to reflect, check in, and support the community you love and are very much a part of.

J,

5 Married Years Later

Jamal Miller2 Comments

Today is S and I’s fifth marriage anniversary. This question is beyond cliche to ask in a post like this, but, where did the time go? Five years isn’t a long time at all, and so far our history together has felt like a whirlwind and a lifetime all at once.

Let’s see, we started dating Summer of 2011, moved in together Summer of 2013, got engaged, bought a condo, got a puppy, got married in 2014, I completed my degree at Indiana University, we’ve both been on massive career journeys, and during all of this have had a lovely niece and two nephews join our family.

Life is going to life, and it did just that. We’ve faced our ups and downs and have managed to navigate darker days with the grace of a Swan Lake prima ballerina. Our relationship has been an easy one for the most part, yes, but that’s not to say we haven’t had our bumps in the road.

At times my content can slow down because I’ve been busy, sure, but it’s also because I may not feel like I have anything to share. I love seeing happy couples post on Instagram and in other corners of the internet, but I have to wonder, how many of them are actually happy? Are they posting all this lovey-dovey bullshit just for the gram to grab a like or two? I’m so not into that.

I love love, but love is hard. If what I’m seeing from happy couples online is their truth, then great! That’s amazing. I try to be honest with my readers and followers, and I connect more with those I follow who share this sentiment.

 

jamal stony 1

(Us on New Years Eve 2011, a few months into dating)

 

S and I have been married for five years, but come October, we will be together a total of eight years. I’ve written about what we’ve learned in our relationship a number of times on Gays in the Life, but one major lesson sticks out to us in this moment:

Honesty. You have to be honest with yourself, and with yourselves as a unit. If you’re not, you will fail.

I’ll leave all my lovers out there with this tip. Seriously, take this with you moving forward; it’ll change the game:

Check in with each other! Check in on each other’s personal goals, any issues you both may be working through, mental health, happiness, and darkness. Over the years we’ve learned not to take reactions or things said personally because you never know what someone is going through.  If you’re able to level with yourself in honesty, you’ll be able to help your relationship stay just as honest and strong.

Happy Anniversary, S! I love you so much, and thank you for being a constant source of strength and inspiration for me. 

XXOO,

Game Of Thrones: Where Is It Okay To Be Gay In Westeros? — KitoDiaries

Jamal MillerLeave a comment

Planning a queer getaway to Westeros? We’ve got you covered. Okay, so a holiday to the beloved (and often dangerous) locales of Game of Thrones may not actually be possible, but if it were, we wondered: Where is LGBTQ-friendly, and where should you steer clear of? We used information from both the books and the…

via Game Of Thrones: Where Is It Okay To Be Gay In Westeros? — KitoDiaries